Today is my 6th year anniversary of living in China! I can’t believe how quickly the time as passed. It seems like only a few months ago that I moved to Beijing.
Reflecting on this important milestone, I want to share six key lessons I have learned the past six years.
1. Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously
Moving to another culture, its inevitable you will make mistakes. Adapting to a city of 24 million people, learning a difficult language, figuring out how to order food at a restaurant and learning new table manners, there are plenty of chances to make mistakes and embarrass yourself.
When I mispronounced a word when ordering food and accidentally cursed at the server, that was humiliating. Not holding the handle on the bus and flying across the isle when the driver had to slam on the breaks, cases you to lose a little face. Instead of being paralyzed with fear of messing up or looking foolish, I learned to embrace it.
I could be so self-conscious that I never tried anything new. My motto became “Give people a good story to tell.” I’ve embraced opportunities to learn, grow and put a smile on someone’s face. Instead of focusing on the uh-oh moments throughout my day, I think about spreading joy and providing 55 people on the bus a great story to tell over dinner about the foreigner who did the funniest thing today.
2. Smiles Break The Ice
Closely tied to not taking yourself too seriously, is smiling. When you make a mistake, smile and laugh so other people know its ok to laugh at the ridiculous thing you just did. When I’m in a conversation that seems to be taking forever because of my progressing language ability, smiling helps the person know that I am trying my best and they are much more patient with me.
Smiling at the cleaning lady, subway attendant, security guard, or people who are often in “behind the scenes” positions makes them feel appreciated. Smiling is such a simple thing that spreads joy and shows people know they are seen and valued.
Generosity is more than sharing your time, resources, money, skills or talents. I truly believe generous assumptions make my life better and allow me to be a better human being as I go through my day.
It is uncomfortably easy to think I am always in the right. My fallen nature is constantly on the look out for #1 (aka myself). When confusion, disagreements, misunderstanding or conflict arise, it is easy to assume that I am correct. (Living in a different culture where I am constantly learning, there are daily situations that present some clash in expectations.) This assumption can quickly be taken a step further, where I make up a story that the person is going out of their way to be annoying. Based off this false narrative, it can be easy to enter an interaction defensively where I am being curt with someone who is just trying to help me.
People are doing the best that they can. They might be having an off day or not expressing themselves well, but they are honestly doing their best. Logically, I know they are not lying awake at night thinking of ways to make my life harder (even thought it is easy to get into pity-party mode and make this story up in my head).
If I am judgmental and defensive, it only makes the situation taxing and stressful on everyone. When I am generous with my assumptions, I am able to enter a situation in a peaceful state of mind, eager to look for a mutual solution, and am quicker to notice how accommodating and helpful the other person is being.
Generous assumptions make life easier on everyone and allow difficult situations to be resolved with a genuine smile! Believe people are doing their best and expect them to show you how great they can be.
4. Different is Different (Not Better or Worse)
I’m a creature of habit. Growing up in America, I got used to certain systems, patterns, and ways of life. Moving to another country, I had to learn a new set of rules, norms, patterns, and way of life. When I first arrived, it was incredibly easy to judge the new systems I was learning. I would encounter a problem and think, “Well if they did it this way, it would be so much easier.” I assumed I was correct and that people were being difficult for no reason. Learning lesson #3 helped me see that I was actually being judgmental of the culture and people I came to serve. I was being selfish and stressing myself out because of my own flaws. I have had so many rich experiences since I have matured and laid down my judgements.
Americans drinking ice water baffles my Chinese friends. In traditional Chinese medicine, cold liquid disrupts the digestive process and can cause many diseases. Women especially should not drink cold liquid, since it can interfere with the reproductive system. Restaurants offer you hot tea or room temperature water. My coworkers drink boiling hot water, even in the middle of July. They think it is strange that I drink water with ice cubes. We are both used to the temperature we grew up with. Neither beverage is wrong. There is no moral argument in ice water vs hot water, it is just different.
Normal is comfortable, but that doesn’t mean different is wrong. Cultures are different and diverse. Diversity is a wonderful, beautiful reflection of our Creator.
I have learned so much about being generous, servant hearted, looking out for my neighbor/community, being respectful, and enjoying life from my friends here in China. I have learned so much about respect and including people from multiple generations watching how grandparents take care of their grandchildren in Beijing. There are too many examples to name, but the underlying principle is the same. Open your heart to learn from the people around you, and you will experience richness.
5. Be Flexible
Before moving to China I was a full time graduate student working 30+ hours a week. To say I had a finely tuned schedule is an understatement. If I didn’t schedule it in, it didn’t happen.
Asian cultures are much more relaxed, schedule wise, than Western cultures. In a country with this many people, things can change at the last minute. This was one of my biggest initial challenges, learning not to be frustrated with change. Rules and procedures can change from one day to the next. There is no way to know how long an errand can take until you get there.
I had to let go of my expectations and learn to go with the flow. Not planning every minute of every day has lead to some great adventures—a spontaneous bike ride to Tian’an Men Square, picnics in the park after work, meeting new people and being invited to their birthday party that same day. Even traffic has become enjoyable since I learned to see it as more quality time with my friends who are also stuck in the car with me.
Being flexible has helped me to realize where my priorities lie. I want to value experiences and people more than a schedule. While I am still a planner, I’ve learned to find the joy in the changes and challenges. When you are prepared for a 3 hour line you can either read a good book, catch up on podcasts, or be happy when the line is only 1.5 hours. It’s all about perspective!
6. The Importance of Patience
Being patient with myself was one of the biggest lessons I have learned in China. Every single day I am learning new vocabulary words, insight into the culture, meeting people from different countries, or learning how to work with people who have different personalities from me. As a person who values growth, this challenge is exciting but also a point of frustration. I love personal development, but want to grow right immediately!! I want to skip the messy middle and become a master of that skill set. Unfortunately, that is not how life works.
All good things take time. Learning one of the hardest languages certainly takes time. I used to be so frustrated that I couldn’t learn all my new vocabulary words as quickly as some of my classmates. It was easy to beat myself up for all the things I didn’t know instating of celebrating the vocabulary words that I did know.
I realized that if I cannot be patient with myself, how was I going to be patient with others?
Giving myself grace, being patient in the middle of the process, has helped me be a happier person. It has also helped me extend patience and grace to other people. You can’t be generous or kind when you are impatient. Slowing down and being patient has helped me live out my values by focusing on those around me.
I'm looking forward to the lesson that 2018 will teach me.
