This year I have had the privilege of attending the birthday
parties of two local friends. It is an
honor for me to have them in my life, to call them my friend and be invited to
help them celebrate this big day. So I was
stunned to find out that for both friends, this was their first ever official birthday
party. Both of these women come from the
countryside where it is not common to celebrate birthdays. Both women received gifts from family members
and ate their favorite meal on their birthday, but there was no party like we
think of in the West.
I love living here and love all the things I learn in a
different culture. I think Chinese culture
is very good at honoring the past, of communally celebrating Chinese history
and culture. There are multiple cultural
festivals and holidays through the year and China is very good at celebrating the
holidays. For most people, it is not
just a long weekend but a day to remember the past and connect with
family. Chinese culture is very good at
creating community and corporate unity (two qualities I think are lacking in
many Western cultures). On the opposite
side of the spectrum, Western cultures (particularly America) is very good at
celebrating the individual. Singular
achievements are celebrated and acknowledged, which is good and healthy in
appropriate doses. The longer I live
overseas the more I feel convinced that we need to find a health balance
between celebrating individuals and acknowledging the importance of connection and
community.
It was surprising to me to hear that two dear friends have
never had a birthday party like I had growing up. I made it my mission to throw them the
birthday party of their dreams. When I ask
each person what they wanted to do they replied, “What can I do for my
birthday?” I responded that they can do
whatever they want. It is their special
day and their party should reflect their personality and interests. It took multiple conversations to get them to
fully embrace the idea that they were in complete control over the celebrations
agenda and the people attending really, truly did not care what they
chose. It took a while for me to realize
the culture clash. They were coming from
a perspective of putting their friend’s needs above their own. When I framed it from the perspective that in
American culture a way we show respect is by honoring each person’s
individuality and unique interests, the women were more comfortable with the
idea. I was able to help them realize
that my only goal for celebrating their birthday was to make them feel special,
loved, and honored. Whatever we did and
whatever we ate where not important.
In the end I attended two birthday parties that were a real
reflection of each woman. During the
parties I heard multiple times from each woman that they felt so honored to
have people celebrate their birthday.
Both of my friends said that their parties were a day they will never
forget. Felicity said that she almost
cried multiple times from happiness. As I
reflect on their words, I do not think it was the birthday party itself that
struck such a deep chord. It was the celebration
of them as an individual, the honoring of their unique wiring and created
design that resonated with each woman’s heart.
The birthday party was a vehicle to honor each woman. In a culture that is all about community,
seeing into the heart of the individual was the most important thing.
I am blown away that something that is so natural for me was
able to so deeply impact my friends. It
also served as reminder that no matter what I do, I want to communicate honor
and respect to each person I encounter. While
this is not an everyday example of honoring someone, it is a good reminder that
each of my actions should reflect this desire.
