4 Years

Today is the 4^th anniversary of my move to Beijing.  It is hard to believe that four years ago I left California to start serving over here.  What a wild ride it has been.  I am never sure I will fully be able to articulate all the things that living in China has taught me. I know for sure that moving overseas has made me a better person. 

Here are some of thing that I have learned (or am learning to do better) since moving:

 Don’t take yourself seriously. 
Living in a new culture and attempting to learn the hardest language in the world, it is inevitable that you will make a mistake.  I can either be flustered by all the things I am getting wrong, or I can laugh about it and see it as an opportunity to brighten someone’s day.  As opposed to being embarrassed by the incorrect sentence I just said (“Today’s noodles” as opposed to the “see you tomorrow” I was attempting to say) I can view my Chinese cultural growth as a change to make other people smile.  I no longer easily get embarrassed by flubbing up words or doing something considered strange on the bus (which happens more often than you think 4 years in).  I look at it from the perspective of giving people a great story to tell over the dinner table.  When I think of it as spreading joy and letting people share a “you’ll never guess what this foreigner I say today” story, it makes learning a lot more fun.

 

    The way you know isn’t better, it the only way you know.

I am a person who loves systems and an order to wrap my mind around.  When I understand the system, something clicks in my head and I can work within the system with a better attitude.  Well, moving to another country with a vastly different political philosophy than your home country is one way to get the rug pulled out from under you.  Over my time here, I have come to understand that the system in one country is not (generally speaking) better.  It is my natural tendency is to default to the way things work “back home” and I can become frustrated with the reality in my current country of residence.  When I realize that the system is different, it helps quell my anxiety and allows me to be more patient.

This rule also applies to what is considered rude.  Rudeness is a cultural construct, being different in each country.  What is considered rude in America is most likely not considered rude here. I should not be angry with people against a standard they have never heard of.  I need to learn not to be rude in my host culture, not judge a different culture by the standards I grew up with.

People will surprise you.

I am constantly amazed by the stories I hear from different people.  Grandma sharing about her childhood during the 1960s, foreigner living in the country since the 1980s, taxi driver who has driven race cars professionally, people who no formal education who speak 4 languages.  I am surprised by the amount of skills and knowledge people around me have.

Listening is key.

The only way to learn the culture and to understand people’s hearts.

  Patience.

This one is particularly hard for me since I like things to be efficient.  Something that would take 20 minutes in America could take the entire day here.  Did the law change overnight and now the policy is completely different?  Yep, that happens frequently.  I have learned that it is my problem and being angry will not resolve the issue any quicker.  This is also the one that I need to work on every day.

 

    Flexibility.

Again, one that I am constantly working on but I have become much more flexible since moving to Asia.

How to receive hospitality.

It is a humbling experience to have people with less resources than you spend 3 days work of grocery money to make you a meal.  How do you thank people appropriately for that level of sacrifice?  Still trying to figure it out but I think it starts with recognizing the different ways that people help me.

Mistakes will be made, it is how you recover from mistakes that count.

How am I choosing to learn from each experience I encounter?  Will I act defensively when I fall short or learn how to handle the situation better next time?

Be humble.

I don’t have everything figured out.  Ask for help when I need it.  Come low into different situations, adopt a posture of learning and let people know I respect them through my actions.

   

   Focus on the positives.

In a city with 24 million people, it is often too easy to focus on all that can go wrong or all the things that I find annoying.  I am learning to celebrate the little things (the changing of the seasons, how beautiful clouds truly are, the different quirks of traffic, the confidence of people boldly jaywalking across a busy intersection).  I love it when I see something simple that so clearly represents this city in my mind.

Privilege

Watch the news, read a newspaper, or read articles on the internet and it is all but impossible to avoid the discussion regarding race relations and privilege that is currently happening the United States.  Living overseas, it if often easy for me to ignore the “hot-bed” political topics in America.  New legislation does not have too much of a direct impact on my daily life.  The current, and needed, discussion on privilege does affect me and I have been seeing its effects lately.

Living in a developing country and traveling around Asia, it is hard not to see how money is changing society and creating cavernous gaps between the rich and poor in many nations.  Travel to Manila and it is impossible to avoid the large amount of homeless people in the poorer districts and the pristinely clean streets in the central business district. In Beijing some people can afford to own multiple luxury cars costing $100,000 US Dollars or more while millions of others cannot afford to the housing prices in the city and commute 2+ hours to get to work.  Business owners can purchase anything while their employees can only afford to live in an apartment with 10 other people. 

It is easy to be the pot calling the kettle black and highlight problems in another culture while ignoring discrimination in my own culture.  Talking about systemic problems, racism, and privilege is not an easy discussion but dialogue is needed if we are to make changes and implement just policies.  These past few weeks I have been noticing how privilege affects me on a personal level and how damaging it can be.

Being an American in an Asia, I stand out. Being 5’9 with blond hair, I am usually a good deal taller than the average person around me.  Being “other, means that my daily experience of life can often be different from my local friends.  Every single building in China has a security guard (combination of cheap labor and a billion people who need to be employed). Most places even have a gate guard who tends to ask you why you need to enter a particular complex.  It is an extremely rare occasion when I am stopped by a security guard.  Most of the time I walk, ask them to open the door/gate, smile politely and walk to my destination.  Most of the time my local friends are questioned. On the rare occasion I am stopped, security guards simply want to chat and find out about my life.  There is a joke among foreigners here that if you walk with purpose and look like you know what you are doing, you can enter pretty much any building in the country.  I am rarely stopped because foreigners are respected.  Plus, I think the average security guard assumes I cannot speak Chinese and talking with me will be a fruitless endeavor. 

In addition to being a foreigner who physically stands out, when people find out I am American it adds another level of access and ease. On the bus or subway people regularly offer to give up their seats to me.  While checking out at the grocery store I have heard parents tell their children to me go first because I am a foreigner.  Being “different” means that I obtain a level of respect that if often undeserved.  I am thankful that people are more likely to assist me at the bank while if I have a problem because I am a foreigner and need help navigating an ATM in a different language, but it does bother me that I am given preferential treatment when I do not need it.  This week I went to the doctor’s for my annual eye exam.  I registered with the nurse, filled out my patient information and was told to take a seat.  I noticed that the nurse listed me at patient #9 in the schedule but I was the next person to see the doctor after the current patient was finished.  Being a white person meant I was able to jump the line.  Not going to lie it was extremely nice to not have to wait for 8 other people, but at the same time I was incredibly embarrassed and almost ashamed that because I was American I was given special treatment over grandmas, kids, and the 8 other people waiting.

There are many times in my week where I can play the “foreigner card” and ask for or accept preferential treatment.  It is easy to think “I am paying for this service and giving them a fair wage” while having an unkind attitude, while not being polite.  It boils down to a heart issue and often times what comes from my heart is not what I want it to be.  I do not model His humility and love.  I have been meditating on Paul’s description of the Son in Philippians 2.  In my interactions with EVERY person I encounter, I am to have the same mindset as JC. The Son did not consider His nature and equality with the Father something to be used to His own advantage.  He considered Himself nothing, took on the nature of a servant, and humbled Himself to the point of death.  This is so convicting.  The Creator of the universe was humble and acted like a servant at all times.  And all too often I demand service and do not serve.

I am challenged to recognize my privilege and do all that I can do limits its effects.  I want to work on becoming more humble and serving others.  I want humility to become so deeply engrained in my heart that it is my natural response.

The 80/20 Principle

Conflict.  It is something most of us dread and will do almost anything to get out of.  Living overseas I daily interact with people from multiple cultures, personalities, and backgrounds.  Cultural misunderstandings are unavoidable. Miscommunication is common and can lead to unintentional offenses.  Additionally, we are all sinful human beings who naturally look out for our own interests above the needs of others.  Long story short, I will offend people and be offended.  I will hurt people, even when I do not mean to. Other people will inadvertently hurt me.  The question is how do I respond when I am hurt or hurt other people?

I have found the 80/20 Principle to be a great tool in dealing with conflict.  This principle states that in any conflict or disagreement, each party is responsible for part of the misunderstanding.  Even if I am not the person who started the conflict, I am responsible for my response and actions to the conflict.  They could be 80% of the problem, but I need to own my 20%. It means I need to pause, acknowledge how my actions have contributed to the issue (no matter how minor). The 80/20 Principle reminds me that I have to acknowledge my behavior and ask for forgiveness.  It is amazing how the simple act of apologizing and owning our behavior will defuse a tense situation.  The Principle helps me realize that I am never completely justified in my anger and that there is always a different side to the story.

This week I had the opportunity to live out the 80/20 Principle at work.  There was a disagreement about an action step that came out of a meeting.  Instead of justifying or defending our actions, my coworker and I were able to acknowledge our mistakes and apologize for actions that were hastily made.  Because we each quickly apologized for how our actions effected the other person, we were able to move on and resolve the issue in a relatively timely matter. We chose to talk about the problem in real time, not wait for other offenses to be added to this one incident.  Something that had the potential to fester for weeks was resolved in 20 minutes.  Relationship was strengthened because both parties took responsibility for actions.  Since the focus of the conservation was not each person attempting to get the other to admit guilt, we were able to move forward and discuss ways to avoid this problem in the future.  Instead of damaging relationship, application of this principle strengthen our working relationship and friendship.  

While I do not like conflict, I love that this principle is a tool to help me deal with conflict in a healthy manner.  It reminds me that I make mistakes, am sinful and need to repent of the things that I do wrong.  I helps me enter each conversation with a teachable spirit, listening for the other person’s heart and intention instead of focusing on getting them to apologize. It does not allow me to play victim or lay the blame solely on the other person.  It reminds me that conflict is another facet of health relationship and that when I take responsibility for my actions I show honor and respect to the other person.