Six Years!

Today is my 6th year anniversary of living in China! I can’t believe how quickly the time as passed.  It seems like only a few months ago that I moved to Beijing. 

Reflecting on this important milestone, I want to share six key lessons I have learned the past six years.

1. Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously

Moving to another culture, its inevitable you will make mistakes. Adapting to a city of 24 million people, learning a difficult language, figuring out how to order food at a restaurant and learning new table manners, there are plenty of chances to make mistakes and embarrass yourself.  

When I mispronounced a word when ordering food and accidentally cursed at the server, that was humiliating.  Not holding the handle on the bus and flying across the isle when the driver had to slam on the breaks, cases you to lose a little face.  Instead of being paralyzed with fear of messing up or looking foolish, I learned to embrace it.

I could be so self-conscious that I never tried anything new.  My motto became “Give people a good story to tell.”  I’ve embraced opportunities to learn, grow and put a smile on someone’s face.  Instead of focusing on the uh-oh moments throughout my day, I think about spreading joy and providing 55 people on the bus a great story to tell over dinner about the foreigner who did the funniest thing today.  

2. Smiles Break The Ice

Closely tied to not taking yourself too seriously, is smiling. When you make a mistake, smile and laugh so other people know its ok to laugh at the ridiculous thing you just did.  When I’m in a conversation that seems to be taking forever because of my progressing language ability, smiling helps the person know that I am trying my best and they are much more patient with me.  

Smiling at the cleaning lady, subway attendant, security guard, or people who are often in “behind the scenes” positions makes them feel appreciated.  Smiling is such a simple thing that spreads joy and shows people know they are seen and valued.  

 3. Be Generous

Generosity is more than sharing your time, resources, money, skills or talents.  I truly believe generous assumptions make my life better and allow me to be a better human being as I go through my day.

It is uncomfortably easy to think I am always in the right.  My fallen nature is constantly on the look out for #1 (aka myself).  When confusion, disagreements, misunderstanding or conflict arise, it is easy to assume that I am correct. (Living in a different culture where I am constantly learning, there are daily situations that present some clash in expectations.) This assumption can quickly be taken a step further, where I make up a story that the person is going out of their way to be annoying. Based off this false narrative, it can be easy to enter an interaction defensively where I am being curt with someone who is just trying to help me.

People are doing the best that they can. They might be having an off day or not expressing themselves well, but they are honestly doing their best.  Logically, I know they are not lying awake at night thinking of ways to make my life harder (even thought it is easy to get into pity-party mode and make this story up in my head). 

If I am judgmental and defensive, it only makes the situation taxing and stressful on everyone.  When I am generous with my assumptions, I am able to enter a situation in a peaceful state of mind, eager to look for a mutual solution, and am quicker to notice how accommodating and helpful the other person is being.  

Generous assumptions make life easier on everyone and allow difficult situations to be resolved with a genuine smile! Believe people are doing their best and expect them to show you how great they can be.

4. Different is Different (Not Better or Worse)

I’m a creature of habit.  Growing up in America, I got used to certain systems, patterns, and ways of life.  Moving to another country, I had to learn a new set of rules, norms, patterns, and way of life.  When I first arrived, it was incredibly easy to judge the new systems I was learning.  I would encounter a problem and think, “Well if they did it this way, it would be so much easier.”  I assumed I was correct and that people were being difficult for no reason.  Learning lesson #3 helped me see that I was actually being judgmental of the culture and people I came to serve.  I was being selfish and stressing myself out because of my own flaws. I have had so many rich experiences since I have matured and laid down my judgements.

Americans drinking ice water baffles my Chinese friends. In traditional Chinese medicine, cold liquid disrupts the digestive process and can cause many diseases.  Women especially should not drink cold liquid, since it can interfere with the reproductive system.  Restaurants offer you hot tea or room temperature water.  My coworkers drink boiling hot water, even in the middle of July.  They think it is strange that I drink water with ice cubes.  We are both used to the temperature we grew up with. Neither beverage is wrong. There is no moral argument in ice water vs hot water, it is just different.

Normal is comfortable, but that doesn’t mean different is wrong. Cultures are different and diverse.  Diversity is a wonderful, beautiful reflection of our Creator. 

I have learned so much about being generous, servant hearted, looking out for my neighbor/community, being respectful, and enjoying life from my friends here in China.  I have learned so much about respect and including people from multiple generations watching how grandparents take care of their grandchildren in Beijing. There are too many examples to name, but the underlying principle is the same.  Open your heart to learn from the people around you, and you will experience richness.

5. Be Flexible

Before moving to China I was a full time graduate student working 30+ hours a week.  To say I had a finely tuned schedule is an understatement.  If I didn’t schedule it in, it didn’t happen.  

Asian cultures are much more relaxed, schedule wise, than Western cultures.  In a country with this many people, things can change at the last minute.  This was one of my biggest initial challenges, learning not to be frustrated with change. Rules and procedures can change from one day to the next. There is no way to know how long an errand can take until you get there.

I had to let go of my expectations and learn to go with the flow.  Not planning every minute of every day has lead to some great adventures—a spontaneous bike ride to Tian’an Men Square, picnics in the park after work, meeting new people and being invited to their birthday party that same day.  Even traffic has become enjoyable since I learned to see it as more quality time with my friends who are also stuck in the car with me.

Being flexible has helped me to realize where my priorities lie.  I want to value experiences and people more than a schedule. While I am still a planner, I’ve learned to find the joy in the changes and challenges.  When you are prepared for a 3 hour line you can either read a good book, catch up on podcasts, or be happy when the line is only 1.5 hours.  It’s all about perspective!

6. The Importance of Patience

Being patient with myself was one of the biggest lessons I have learned in China.  Every single day I am learning new vocabulary words, insight into the culture, meeting people from different countries, or learning how to work with people who have different personalities from me.  As a person who values growth, this challenge is exciting but also a point of frustration.  I love personal development, but want to grow right immediately!! I want to skip the messy middle and become a master of that skill set.  Unfortunately, that is not how life works.

All good things take time.  Learning one of the hardest languages certainly takes time.  I used to be so frustrated that I couldn’t learn all my new vocabulary words as quickly as some of my classmates. It was easy to beat myself up for all the things I didn’t know instating of celebrating the vocabulary words that I did know.

I realized that if I cannot be patient with myself, how was I going to be patient with others? 

Giving myself grace, being patient in the middle of the process, has helped me be a happier person.  It has also helped me extend patience and grace to other people.  You can’t be generous or kind when you are impatient. Slowing down and being patient has helped me live out my values by focusing on those around me. 

I'm looking forward to the lesson that 2018 will teach me. 

Privilege

Watch the news, read a newspaper, or read articles on the internet and it is all but impossible to avoid the discussion regarding race relations and privilege that is currently happening the United States.  Living overseas, it if often easy for me to ignore the “hot-bed” political topics in America.  New legislation does not have too much of a direct impact on my daily life.  The current, and needed, discussion on privilege does affect me and I have been seeing its effects lately.

Living in a developing country and traveling around Asia, it is hard not to see how money is changing society and creating cavernous gaps between the rich and poor in many nations.  Travel to Manila and it is impossible to avoid the large amount of homeless people in the poorer districts and the pristinely clean streets in the central business district. In Beijing some people can afford to own multiple luxury cars costing $100,000 US Dollars or more while millions of others cannot afford to the housing prices in the city and commute 2+ hours to get to work.  Business owners can purchase anything while their employees can only afford to live in an apartment with 10 other people. 

It is easy to be the pot calling the kettle black and highlight problems in another culture while ignoring discrimination in my own culture.  Talking about systemic problems, racism, and privilege is not an easy discussion but dialogue is needed if we are to make changes and implement just policies.  These past few weeks I have been noticing how privilege affects me on a personal level and how damaging it can be.

Being an American in an Asia, I stand out. Being 5’9 with blond hair, I am usually a good deal taller than the average person around me.  Being “other, means that my daily experience of life can often be different from my local friends.  Every single building in China has a security guard (combination of cheap labor and a billion people who need to be employed). Most places even have a gate guard who tends to ask you why you need to enter a particular complex.  It is an extremely rare occasion when I am stopped by a security guard.  Most of the time I walk, ask them to open the door/gate, smile politely and walk to my destination.  Most of the time my local friends are questioned. On the rare occasion I am stopped, security guards simply want to chat and find out about my life.  There is a joke among foreigners here that if you walk with purpose and look like you know what you are doing, you can enter pretty much any building in the country.  I am rarely stopped because foreigners are respected.  Plus, I think the average security guard assumes I cannot speak Chinese and talking with me will be a fruitless endeavor. 

In addition to being a foreigner who physically stands out, when people find out I am American it adds another level of access and ease. On the bus or subway people regularly offer to give up their seats to me.  While checking out at the grocery store I have heard parents tell their children to me go first because I am a foreigner.  Being “different” means that I obtain a level of respect that if often undeserved.  I am thankful that people are more likely to assist me at the bank while if I have a problem because I am a foreigner and need help navigating an ATM in a different language, but it does bother me that I am given preferential treatment when I do not need it.  This week I went to the doctor’s for my annual eye exam.  I registered with the nurse, filled out my patient information and was told to take a seat.  I noticed that the nurse listed me at patient #9 in the schedule but I was the next person to see the doctor after the current patient was finished.  Being a white person meant I was able to jump the line.  Not going to lie it was extremely nice to not have to wait for 8 other people, but at the same time I was incredibly embarrassed and almost ashamed that because I was American I was given special treatment over grandmas, kids, and the 8 other people waiting.

There are many times in my week where I can play the “foreigner card” and ask for or accept preferential treatment.  It is easy to think “I am paying for this service and giving them a fair wage” while having an unkind attitude, while not being polite.  It boils down to a heart issue and often times what comes from my heart is not what I want it to be.  I do not model His humility and love.  I have been meditating on Paul’s description of the Son in Philippians 2.  In my interactions with EVERY person I encounter, I am to have the same mindset as JC. The Son did not consider His nature and equality with the Father something to be used to His own advantage.  He considered Himself nothing, took on the nature of a servant, and humbled Himself to the point of death.  This is so convicting.  The Creator of the universe was humble and acted like a servant at all times.  And all too often I demand service and do not serve.

I am challenged to recognize my privilege and do all that I can do limits its effects.  I want to work on becoming more humble and serving others.  I want humility to become so deeply engrained in my heart that it is my natural response.

Rest

In my small group we have been discussion rest.  It is one of those concept that everyone seems to agree is important and vital to a healthy life, but very hard to implement.  Rest is a discipline, a practice.  Rest is not just disengaging and relaxing, but creating the space to hear from Him.

I am not very good at resting.  I live in a city with 23 million people who are eagerly striving for more. It is very easy to become so busy and worn out.  Practicing rest is countercultural.  The principle of Sabbath called the people of Israel to rest one day at week.  Sabbath teaches us to rely on His provision in our lives.  It is easy for me to always be thinking about other people, checking email, or worrying about a problem.  In learning to rest I am learning to trust His provision and power in these situations. It is not very easy to do and I have to admit that I have not been very successful so far in making rest a regular pattern in my life.  I hope to grow more in this area so that I can grow more in Him.

Self-Control

This week I have been listening to a Graham Cooke teaching about the Fruit of the Spirit. One particular quote jumped out at me.  Graham defines self-control as "believing the best about someone." I had never heard self-control defined that way.  Typically I would describe self-control as restraining my actions or the things I would say out loud.  Never before had I considered self-control as a check on my thoughts, feelings, or heart attitude. 

I find this definition simple but very powerful. It is not about external actions. It is about the posture of our heart.  G-d is equally as concerned with the thoughts of my heart and my internal attitude as He is about my actions towards other people.  Galatians 5:22-23 lists the attributes of the Spirit and the majority of them have to do with the posture of our hearts.  It is equally exciting and challenging to know that He is constantly wanting us to become more like Him in very thought and deed.

This quote has inspired me to be more in control of my thoughts.  Internally I need to believe the best about each person in my life.  I need to recognize the good qualities in each person, even if there is something challenging in our relationship at the moment.  I hope this new approach in my thinking will help me become a better person, friend, and leader.