Building Bridges

Yesterday was the last day of Eid, the celebration to celebrate the end of Ramadan and a month of fasting.  Eid is the biggest holiday and religious festival for Muslims, like Easter is for Christians.  New clothing, making favorite dishes, and celebrating with friends and family are central to celebrations of both major religious holidays.

I had the privilege of visiting my Muslim friends yesterday to celebrate Eid.  While visiting, a new family to the community began asking questions about Christianity. He has never asked a person from another faith what they believed before. He knew what the Qur’an talked about the Prophet Isa (Jesus), but was uncomfortable with some of the things that surrounded Isa’s life.  He then proceeded to ask me and my friend about our beliefs.  He wanted to clarify our theology.  A common misconception for Muslims is  Jesus’ birth.  In the Qur’an the word to describe Mary’s miraculous conception is the same word used to describe the physical act of conception.  Because of this wording, many Muslims believe that God and Mary had a physical relationship that resulted in Jesus or that God and Mary were actually married.  Obviously it is a horrendous idea to think that the Creator of the universe had physical relations with a human being.  As I explained that Isa’s conception was a miracle, not a physical act, my friend began to nod his head in approval. 

Next he ask why Christians believe in 3 gods.  Again, a common misunderstanding because of inaccurate translations of key words.  The Qur’an often refers to the “Breath of Allah”, something close to the movement of the Spirit. I said that much like in the Qur’an when you read “The Breath” you know it is talking about Allah, when I read the name of Father, Isa/Son or the Spirit I know the word is talking about God. As I explained that we believed in one God, with 3 different names to help us better understand the various aspects of His character, I could see him physically relax.  

After he asked a few more questions, he smiled and said “Our religions have much more in common than I thought.” I wholeheartedly agreed with his statement.  Not to say that there are not major differences between our religions, but we have more common ground than most people assume--the Prophet Isa is highly respected in the Qur’an.  He said that he no longer considers Christians infidels because we believe in blasphemous things.  It was such a great statement to hear.  This brief, twenty, minute conversation did so much to overcoming prejudice, misunderstanding and judgement for others beliefs.  Clarifying my beliefs and emphasizing the commonalities between our faiths built a bridge that is going to allow for deeper relationship. 

Today I received a message from my friend thanking more for clarifying my beliefs.  He said that we can truly be brothers and sisters now because we have so much in common.  Praise Him for a great conversation and the more to come.

The 80/20 Principle

Conflict.  It is something most of us dread and will do almost anything to get out of.  Living overseas I daily interact with people from multiple cultures, personalities, and backgrounds.  Cultural misunderstandings are unavoidable. Miscommunication is common and can lead to unintentional offenses.  Additionally, we are all sinful human beings who naturally look out for our own interests above the needs of others.  Long story short, I will offend people and be offended.  I will hurt people, even when I do not mean to. Other people will inadvertently hurt me.  The question is how do I respond when I am hurt or hurt other people?

I have found the 80/20 Principle to be a great tool in dealing with conflict.  This principle states that in any conflict or disagreement, each party is responsible for part of the misunderstanding.  Even if I am not the person who started the conflict, I am responsible for my response and actions to the conflict.  They could be 80% of the problem, but I need to own my 20%. It means I need to pause, acknowledge how my actions have contributed to the issue (no matter how minor). The 80/20 Principle reminds me that I have to acknowledge my behavior and ask for forgiveness.  It is amazing how the simple act of apologizing and owning our behavior will defuse a tense situation.  The Principle helps me realize that I am never completely justified in my anger and that there is always a different side to the story.

This week I had the opportunity to live out the 80/20 Principle at work.  There was a disagreement about an action step that came out of a meeting.  Instead of justifying or defending our actions, my coworker and I were able to acknowledge our mistakes and apologize for actions that were hastily made.  Because we each quickly apologized for how our actions effected the other person, we were able to move on and resolve the issue in a relatively timely matter. We chose to talk about the problem in real time, not wait for other offenses to be added to this one incident.  Something that had the potential to fester for weeks was resolved in 20 minutes.  Relationship was strengthened because both parties took responsibility for actions.  Since the focus of the conservation was not each person attempting to get the other to admit guilt, we were able to move forward and discuss ways to avoid this problem in the future.  Instead of damaging relationship, application of this principle strengthen our working relationship and friendship.  

While I do not like conflict, I love that this principle is a tool to help me deal with conflict in a healthy manner.  It reminds me that I make mistakes, am sinful and need to repent of the things that I do wrong.  I helps me enter each conversation with a teachable spirit, listening for the other person’s heart and intention instead of focusing on getting them to apologize. It does not allow me to play victim or lay the blame solely on the other person.  It reminds me that conflict is another facet of health relationship and that when I take responsibility for my actions I show honor and respect to the other person.

Self-Control

This week I have been listening to a Graham Cooke teaching about the Fruit of the Spirit. One particular quote jumped out at me.  Graham defines self-control as "believing the best about someone." I had never heard self-control defined that way.  Typically I would describe self-control as restraining my actions or the things I would say out loud.  Never before had I considered self-control as a check on my thoughts, feelings, or heart attitude. 

I find this definition simple but very powerful. It is not about external actions. It is about the posture of our heart.  G-d is equally as concerned with the thoughts of my heart and my internal attitude as He is about my actions towards other people.  Galatians 5:22-23 lists the attributes of the Spirit and the majority of them have to do with the posture of our hearts.  It is equally exciting and challenging to know that He is constantly wanting us to become more like Him in very thought and deed.

This quote has inspired me to be more in control of my thoughts.  Internally I need to believe the best about each person in my life.  I need to recognize the good qualities in each person, even if there is something challenging in our relationship at the moment.  I hope this new approach in my thinking will help me become a better person, friend, and leader.

How to Inspire?

Today I read a blog post by Rachel Goble, the director of the The Sold Project which works with children in Thailand.  Rachel wrote a blog called Let's Stop Empowering and Start Inspiring.  Rachel's words have challenged me to think about my own work.  One of my guiding principles as I reach out to women in exploitation is to help empower them to make decisions to better their lives.  I have been forming relationships and directing conversations with the end goal of helping empower women to make bold life choices.  Rachel writes that the word empower implies that "I have the power and you do not.  Therefore, let me give you the power."  These words deeply impacted me.  I want to help the people I work with recognize their own power, not be another person in their life to say "I have power and you do not."  I want to help each person see this innate, G-d given worth which cannot be taken away.  Her words have challenged me to think about how my actions are viewed by people who have been told their entire lives that they are not powerful enough to effect change.

Instead of empowering, Rachel believes that we should start inspiring others.  I agree that when people are inspired they tap into the creativity and artistry of our Creator.  Inspiring people to pursue their dreams means recognizing that people have had dreams, goals, and the power to grow all along. The question running through my mind all day is "How do I actually help inspire others?"  How do I go about helping people explore their creative potential, especially when a lot of the women I encounter have no control over their lives? The only answer I have come up with is listening.  Releasing potential is not something visible, something that can be easily identified.  It takes time and a deep level of trust to being to explore.  It takes time.

Honestly, I have no clue how to go about inspiring those around me.  I know it will take time, dedication, patience, and lots of pryrs.  I am thankful that my eyes have been opened to this concept so that I can better serve those around me.

Listening

"Be quick to listen and slow to speak."
"There is a reason you have two ears and only one mouth."

I've heard these phrases all my life and have quickly come up with a list of excuses why I do not need to work to become a better listener:
   I already leave so many thoughts unsaid.
   I have some useful information to contribute to this conversation.
   Communication is a two way street so therefor I can say something anytime I want.

The older I get the more I realize that when I think of listening I think of not talking. I do not approach listening as truly hearing another person.  Since moving into a cross-cultural context, I have realized how insufficient my definition of listening has become.  When interacting with people from a different background it is not enough to simply hear the words being spoken, you must concentrate on the meaning the person is attempting to convey.

Listening is not an innate skill for me.  Talking, expressing my opinion, contributing to a conversation, sharing new facts....basically talking is what comes naturally for me.  While this is not always a bad thing, my natural inclination is away from listening and creating the space necessary for other people to express themselves.  One of my biggest hinderances to being a good listener is my desire to jump in and identify with what the other person is saying, to let them know that they are not alone.  While this is not the worst thing, desiring to identify with people actually hinders conversations by derailing the topic.  It can keep the topic causal and prevent the other person from fully expressing their feelings.

Living cross-culturally, interacting with people form every walk of life imaginable, I am constantly searching for a point of overlap, seeking to find things we both have in common that can bridge the gap between our diverse experiences.  But how much do I miss because I am so intent on seeking a commonality?  Have I prevented the opportunity to learn from another person by speaking too quickly?  Did I miss the chance to speak hope, love, peace or joy into a situation because I did not create the space in the conversation to truly find out how that person is doing?  Did I completely miss what they were trying to convey?

I am on the journey to becoming a good listener.  I am actively trying to speak less, work to provide people with the space to express their hearts and not offer advice before hearing the fully story.  Every time I come away from an encounter feeling proud of myself for not speaking too quickly, there are give other interactions where I know I have come up short.  Though I have just started down this lengthy path, I am excited about this learning process.  By learning to be a better listener I am learning to become a better friend, a more attentive person and a more caring individual.