Six Years!

Today is my 6th year anniversary of living in China! I can’t believe how quickly the time as passed.  It seems like only a few months ago that I moved to Beijing. 

Reflecting on this important milestone, I want to share six key lessons I have learned the past six years.

1. Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously

Moving to another culture, its inevitable you will make mistakes. Adapting to a city of 24 million people, learning a difficult language, figuring out how to order food at a restaurant and learning new table manners, there are plenty of chances to make mistakes and embarrass yourself.  

When I mispronounced a word when ordering food and accidentally cursed at the server, that was humiliating.  Not holding the handle on the bus and flying across the isle when the driver had to slam on the breaks, cases you to lose a little face.  Instead of being paralyzed with fear of messing up or looking foolish, I learned to embrace it.

I could be so self-conscious that I never tried anything new.  My motto became “Give people a good story to tell.”  I’ve embraced opportunities to learn, grow and put a smile on someone’s face.  Instead of focusing on the uh-oh moments throughout my day, I think about spreading joy and providing 55 people on the bus a great story to tell over dinner about the foreigner who did the funniest thing today.  

2. Smiles Break The Ice

Closely tied to not taking yourself too seriously, is smiling. When you make a mistake, smile and laugh so other people know its ok to laugh at the ridiculous thing you just did.  When I’m in a conversation that seems to be taking forever because of my progressing language ability, smiling helps the person know that I am trying my best and they are much more patient with me.  

Smiling at the cleaning lady, subway attendant, security guard, or people who are often in “behind the scenes” positions makes them feel appreciated.  Smiling is such a simple thing that spreads joy and shows people know they are seen and valued.  

 3. Be Generous

Generosity is more than sharing your time, resources, money, skills or talents.  I truly believe generous assumptions make my life better and allow me to be a better human being as I go through my day.

It is uncomfortably easy to think I am always in the right.  My fallen nature is constantly on the look out for #1 (aka myself).  When confusion, disagreements, misunderstanding or conflict arise, it is easy to assume that I am correct. (Living in a different culture where I am constantly learning, there are daily situations that present some clash in expectations.) This assumption can quickly be taken a step further, where I make up a story that the person is going out of their way to be annoying. Based off this false narrative, it can be easy to enter an interaction defensively where I am being curt with someone who is just trying to help me.

People are doing the best that they can. They might be having an off day or not expressing themselves well, but they are honestly doing their best.  Logically, I know they are not lying awake at night thinking of ways to make my life harder (even thought it is easy to get into pity-party mode and make this story up in my head). 

If I am judgmental and defensive, it only makes the situation taxing and stressful on everyone.  When I am generous with my assumptions, I am able to enter a situation in a peaceful state of mind, eager to look for a mutual solution, and am quicker to notice how accommodating and helpful the other person is being.  

Generous assumptions make life easier on everyone and allow difficult situations to be resolved with a genuine smile! Believe people are doing their best and expect them to show you how great they can be.

4. Different is Different (Not Better or Worse)

I’m a creature of habit.  Growing up in America, I got used to certain systems, patterns, and ways of life.  Moving to another country, I had to learn a new set of rules, norms, patterns, and way of life.  When I first arrived, it was incredibly easy to judge the new systems I was learning.  I would encounter a problem and think, “Well if they did it this way, it would be so much easier.”  I assumed I was correct and that people were being difficult for no reason.  Learning lesson #3 helped me see that I was actually being judgmental of the culture and people I came to serve.  I was being selfish and stressing myself out because of my own flaws. I have had so many rich experiences since I have matured and laid down my judgements.

Americans drinking ice water baffles my Chinese friends. In traditional Chinese medicine, cold liquid disrupts the digestive process and can cause many diseases.  Women especially should not drink cold liquid, since it can interfere with the reproductive system.  Restaurants offer you hot tea or room temperature water.  My coworkers drink boiling hot water, even in the middle of July.  They think it is strange that I drink water with ice cubes.  We are both used to the temperature we grew up with. Neither beverage is wrong. There is no moral argument in ice water vs hot water, it is just different.

Normal is comfortable, but that doesn’t mean different is wrong. Cultures are different and diverse.  Diversity is a wonderful, beautiful reflection of our Creator. 

I have learned so much about being generous, servant hearted, looking out for my neighbor/community, being respectful, and enjoying life from my friends here in China.  I have learned so much about respect and including people from multiple generations watching how grandparents take care of their grandchildren in Beijing. There are too many examples to name, but the underlying principle is the same.  Open your heart to learn from the people around you, and you will experience richness.

5. Be Flexible

Before moving to China I was a full time graduate student working 30+ hours a week.  To say I had a finely tuned schedule is an understatement.  If I didn’t schedule it in, it didn’t happen.  

Asian cultures are much more relaxed, schedule wise, than Western cultures.  In a country with this many people, things can change at the last minute.  This was one of my biggest initial challenges, learning not to be frustrated with change. Rules and procedures can change from one day to the next. There is no way to know how long an errand can take until you get there.

I had to let go of my expectations and learn to go with the flow.  Not planning every minute of every day has lead to some great adventures—a spontaneous bike ride to Tian’an Men Square, picnics in the park after work, meeting new people and being invited to their birthday party that same day.  Even traffic has become enjoyable since I learned to see it as more quality time with my friends who are also stuck in the car with me.

Being flexible has helped me to realize where my priorities lie.  I want to value experiences and people more than a schedule. While I am still a planner, I’ve learned to find the joy in the changes and challenges.  When you are prepared for a 3 hour line you can either read a good book, catch up on podcasts, or be happy when the line is only 1.5 hours.  It’s all about perspective!

6. The Importance of Patience

Being patient with myself was one of the biggest lessons I have learned in China.  Every single day I am learning new vocabulary words, insight into the culture, meeting people from different countries, or learning how to work with people who have different personalities from me.  As a person who values growth, this challenge is exciting but also a point of frustration.  I love personal development, but want to grow right immediately!! I want to skip the messy middle and become a master of that skill set.  Unfortunately, that is not how life works.

All good things take time.  Learning one of the hardest languages certainly takes time.  I used to be so frustrated that I couldn’t learn all my new vocabulary words as quickly as some of my classmates. It was easy to beat myself up for all the things I didn’t know instating of celebrating the vocabulary words that I did know.

I realized that if I cannot be patient with myself, how was I going to be patient with others? 

Giving myself grace, being patient in the middle of the process, has helped me be a happier person.  It has also helped me extend patience and grace to other people.  You can’t be generous or kind when you are impatient. Slowing down and being patient has helped me live out my values by focusing on those around me. 

I'm looking forward to the lesson that 2018 will teach me. 

Coming Back Around

At the conference I attended in February, a friend was sharing about the lesson she learned last year.  She was once again learning a lesson that seems to appear every few years.  Instead of being frustrated with learning the new lesson, she was celebrating the fact she was able to go deeper in growth.  Our Father in not content to have our character and actions be shallow, so we are being challenged to go deepen our character and make every action reflect Him.  This is a lifelong process and we will never be prefect at it or fully display His attributes.  Instead of being upset with herself or think the lesson was remedial, she was celebrating the change to experience something more from Him. 

My friend used the analogy that character development is like climbing a mountain.  Now, we don’t scale this mountain but slowly walk around the entire circumference until we reach the top.  We can learn a lesson at the base of the mountain and when we are at 1,500 feet we might be again be working on that area in our life/lesson but it is not the same lesson we learned at the base.  At 1,500 feet we have new muscles, have more experience, and have more knowledge about what is needed to survive the mountain.   We need to hone our skills in this area so that we can make it to 3,000 feet, 5,000 feet or ever have hopes of reaching the top.

This analogy has been extremely helpful for me this week.  I am a planner and like to have things scheduled.  Living cross-culturally, this natural desire is often challenged and just doesn’t happen a majority of the time.  My first few years living in Asia, learning to be flexible and “go with the flow” was one of the biggest and hardest lessons I had to learn.  This week, it has become clear that I have come back around to the lesson of flexibility.  [Coming out of a meeting where your mentor challenges you to be open-handed with your schedule and receiving 10 text messages asking you to change plans or rearrange something is a pretty clear indication that flexibility is once again on the lesson plan].  After the selfish, human part of my flesh had a pity party and was angry that my plans were changed, I remembered my friends wise words.  

Being asked to work on my flexibility does not mean that I did not pay attention to the previous lesson or that I forgot all that I learned.  It means that flexibility is a tool that He needs me to hone, sharpen, and use so I can serve Him to my full capacity.  I can fight the growth and learn the lesson anyway, or I could lean into it and work with the growth (the latter is much less painful, or so I’ve heard).  I will not be learning the same lesson. I am now at 1,500 feet and need to be sharpened so that I have the capacity to climb to 3,000 feet. 

Boot Camp

This week I am attending my organization’s annual conference.  It has been a great time of learning, fellowship, and growth.  I have heard so many wise words from people I truly respect.  I know that I will be chewing on the meaty content they provided for many weeks to come.  Right now I want to take a moment to process one of the lesson that was shared at the beginning of the week.  

One of our speakers, Charlene, taught about growth through the concept of boot camp.  Growing up in Dad is like attending military boot camp. You cannot attend boot camp and not expect to be pushed to your limits, expanded, challenged, and ultimately rewarded. Blood, sweat, pain and tears are expected when you enlist.  However, there is this misconception in the church that when we follow Him we are exempt from pain.  There is a pervasive lie that if you are following Him and being obedient, believers will be spared pain. That is just untrue and not found in Scripture. Because of this lie we have unintentionally turned the natural process of growing up in Him to be a sign of failure.  Instead of coming beside our fellow boot camp comrades and encouraging them as they grow to become more like Him, we silently (or worse outwardly) judge people for being processed into His image. 

Like in basic training, maturing in Dad is also a bonding experience.  When you have hardships and rely on Sisters and Brothers, your relationship is deepened.  There is a critical piece of community that is missing when we do not support those around us who are growing.  When we judge those who are currently learning a lesson that we have “mastered”, we are harming the imago dei in them and ourselves.  We cannot forget the pain that comes during the growth process or we judge those who are still learning lessons we have learned and are not supporting them like we are called to do.

Charlene took the boot camp analogy one step further.  After basic training, each of us are then enrolled into Navy Seal training for specialized training in different areas.  All SEAL’s go through a few weeks of training together and then they have training in their specialty.  Likewise, each person receives highly specialized training in a specific area that the Father really needs them to become a world-class specialist at. Charlene runs multiple businesses and has had many years learning money management principles.  Everyone needs to learn to manage their money wisely, but since not everyone is called to be a professional businessperson the lesson is not as extensive as was for Charlene.  She reiterated that we need to support whatever lesson our sisters and brothers are learning.  Support people learning a lesson you might have already learned and celebrate the fact that their lessons seems harder than mine because that means that Dad is raising them up to be a powerful influence in that area.  

This word has been very challenging and freeing for me.  I cannot compare my growth journey to those around me.  I am in an individualized booth camp and SEAL training that will turn me into the person that He created me to be.  My lessons will look different from those around me because He is calling me to something unique.  As a leader this word was also very convicting.  If I judge those I am leading for “being stuck” or wish they would “just get over this” particular lesson, I am not being supportive of the work that Dad is doing in their life.  I need to celebrate each lesson that people are going through.  It is my job to encourage them to press into the lesson, to remind them that they are uniquely called and that this lessons is desperately needed for them to bring change and light to the world.  

It seems so simple but yet is incredibly profound.  I pray that I will be able to celebrate lessons and boot camp in a new way this year.

Facing the Giant

Last Sunday at fellowship my friend Shi shared about David and Goliath.  I have heard this story hundreds of times but the message came alive in a new way that day.  Shi examined the classic story through the lens of identity.  Israel was held captive to fear and terror of the Philistines, forgetting that the Creator of the Universe was on their side. David, a small teenager with no experience, was the only one in the land who was not focused on the power of the Philistines but on the power of God.  He was calling Saul and Israel to remember their identity as His Chosen People and the power that came with it.

David was able to defeat Goliath not because of His physical prowess or vast experience, but because he knew that the All-Powerful had called Him and equipped Him for this battle.  David’s eyes were not focused on the improbability of a teenager beating a 7 foot, highly trained warrior. David was focused on His identity as an enabled and called child of the King.  Because he knew who he was and whose he was, He gained victory over the enemy.  David’s actions remind Israel to focus on their identity and not the enemy in front of them.

I was really challenged by Shi’s message.  Like Israel in 1 Samuel 17, I am easily overwhelmed by the problem in front of me.  I focus on the details and the things that I need to “do” to solve the problem.  It is not my natural inclination to focus on my created identity in Him.  I do not immediately focus on the fact I am empowered, equipped and called for a purpose.  Instead I set my sights low and let the fear of the problem consume me.

I want to live every day knowing who I am and whose I am.  I do not want to be consumed by the giant problem in front of me.  I want to be overwhelming secure in my identity.  My prayer for 2015 is that when I am facing a decision or problem I respond out of my identity, not fear.